For years I put off dealing with my late Mom’s car. A lot made it difficult. Grief. Paperwork. Money. Recalls. Brick by brick, a wall of awful built between me and this car. It was emotional to do, but I finally decided to face my wall of awful. And I learned some things along the way… and was reminded of things I’d forgotten.
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📚CHAPTERS
00:00 What is the Wall Of Awful?
00:41 What Strategies does Brendan have? How should they approach, etc
04:12 What are the barriers?
10:18 Lets make a list
13:48 Target Run
14:43 The DMV
15:13 Recap of List and making a plan to chunk stuff
17:42 Change, Struggle, and Overcoming Walls of Awful
19:45 Jess finishes up some car stuff, tackles her barriers, etc
⁉️ WAIT IS JESSICA A LICENSED PROFESSIONAL?
Jessica McCabe is not a licensed mental health provider, but information presented on How to ADHD is reviewed by researchers and approved by licensed clinical psychologist Patrick LaCount, PhD ( While information presented on How to ADHD has historically been built in consultation with researchers and licensed providers, videos posted prior to April 2023 were not subjected to the same formal approval process required by the YouTube Health program.
For more information on the YouTube Health program and verification of health-related content, please visit:
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My problem with making the list, is how do I make a list. I could use a pen and some paper, or I have this fancy phone, what apps are good for this, hmm none of them do exactly what I want, also what do I exactly want, how do I write my own program, I need to learn this development environment, is there a program for that? I should check the college for courses, maybe there is a degree I need, what was I doing again, oh I was gonna make a list, boy I squirreled, should I just buy some pads of paper, I have pens. I need a standard yellow pad. In the American Red Cross Disaster Services we called this Form 1 every form has a #, Form 1 is the one that you can manually make any form you need. Ok goign to amazon or walmart or costco, or (insert stationary store here) ok, should I buy 1 pad, or get the 10 pack? What's the cost per page?, I need a spreadsheet to track this. Are there combos with binders? Should I have a nice binder so I want to use it? Or should I go with cheap and/or sturdy? Should I build a separate binder list comparison …….
Ok you get the idea I hope. I could spend days or weeks doing just above loops and never get anything done, then my wall of aweful is just even bigger.
Wow. I have this bookmarked because I will need this for so many walls. Thank you Jessica for being vulnerable. Thank you Brendan for being her double and giving her practical steps to manage the awfulness. So much important learning here. This example reminds me that what seems like a simple task (registering a car, for example) can be so complicated by our grief, by our shame, by our stubbornness [I should do this myself and save money!!] It also helps me be compassionate for people who are facing their walls. And, I don't need to rescue them [buy them a new car!], I can simply be a body double, a Brendan, in the setting. This is so practical when work with my high school students. Now — to tackle my wall – paperwork for retirement.
I'm officially subscribing. ❤
Hi Jessica, thank you for sharing this video. ❤
"Today’s Workout is Tomorrow's Warm-up" Great Quote! 💪🏽🏋♀️
1:24 well that’s already an epiphany “support’s allowed”
Wow I’m definitely reading this book.
Thank you so very much for your strength and willingness to be vulnerable like this to the world. That's a HUGE deal and I can only imagine how scary it is to do. It means the world. Thank you so very much for doing it.
@HowtoADHD I was a Honda Warranty Administrator- take it to the Honda dealership – several issues are recalls!!! They don't cost you anything and that car will last forever 300k I have seen in our shop. Great resale too if you don't want the burden.
Yes, they will need it maybe for a week or more, but that's due to different certified mechanic that is trained.
Just make the appt! They maybe 3 wks out anyway and sometimes bc RECALL- A loaner car is available
Thank you so much for your vulnerability and sharing this with us. I had no idea your mom had passed, I know she was a huge support for you. I’m much older than you, but both my parents are still here, and we’re getting to the place where I’m going to have to start dealing with this kind of stuff. On the flip side, my kid has ADHD too, but his effects him even more than mine does…I have a tendency to just do things for him like
Your parents did for you, but I’m seeing now how scaffolding around taking care of your car is really important. He just turned 14, he’ll get his permit next year, so the timing is superb.
“Small enough to do, big enough to matter,” what a brilliant new priority matrix! I like it way better than the Eisenhower urgent-important matrix! It’s like the logistically achievable-important matrix!!!❤I also love how he says, “the wall doesn’t get smaller, but you get stronger” and “today’s workout is tomorrow’s warmup”. ❤
Overdue maintenance on your late mom's car, tangled paperwork, money, and recalls is a wall of awful no one can brute-force. Nessi is the personal assistant you just text, no app, and it can help hold the small follow-ups while you tackle the big emotional task.
I'm so grateful for this video, at this time. I lost my job last week (2nd time in 3 years) and having MS, trying to sort out insurance, and how to get started filing for disability has been overwhelming. Maybe I can get past my worst wall of awful!
Sell the car. I'm not saying that is easy, but this isn't a wall, it's an anchor that is drowning you.
Best content for me from this channel
When you said, “over due car maintenance on my dead mom’s car”, I felt so connected. Sorry for your loss 😢
Oh God, I’m barely 8 mins in…feeling so emotional. Probably gonna edit this even more.
Halfway thru this and omg Jess and Brendan describe this so perfectly. The Wall of Awful.
I often feel like this whenever I have to get myself ready. If I don't have my outfit already planned, if my hair isn't already done, etc.
I have a lot of grief surrounding it. When my mom was around, she took care of everything to the point where it stressed me out bc I didn't like how she styled me. Then she left and I had no one to help me. Both extremes.
I had to learn basically everything by myself. How to care for my hair, skin, how to do makeup, what clothes I actually liked. I was judged really harshly by my entire family for how I looked. I was either too boyish or too inappropriate.
I have a lot of anger and sadness about it. It's part of re-parenting myself. I've even failed a class once bc I skipped my final project when I couldn't get myself out of bed to shower and get dressed and do my hair. And I didn't have accommodations yet, and didn't bother reaching out to my teacher bc i felt like I just deserved to fail. 💔
I try to be realistic. It is upsetting when the emotions come out, but I try to be patient and work thru it. Sometimes I have a complete meltdown over it, if I hit my breaking point. It causes serious intrusive thoughts about self harm. So I try to focus on resting and recovering when that happens. Nothing is that important where I should suffer through it and risk my mental health and safety. But I do try my best to show up and find support when I need it. ♡
It seems like nothing but I also had to overcome one of those "walls of awful" to just make 2 simple maintenance repairs on my car. A headlight and the wiper blades. Always afraid something will go wrong and make things even worse. I managed to do both this weekend – after about 6 months of the problems being there. Ended up replacing both headlights because the brightness was different. Ugh….
Thank you so much for "Wall of Awful!" My wife and I call them "Waffles" – as in "I think I've got a waffle around this thing" or "Hey, can you help me clear a waffle?" (i.e. do a piece of the task that's intimidating so that the other person isn't so scared of the rest.)
I’m 54 and in many ways life itself has felt like a big wall of awful. I now realize how many people struggle doing things. It helps to know it’s not just me. Thank you. ❤❤❤ (I just ordered your book. I’m excited to read it!😊)
OMG this is so good!
🥺🥺🥺thank you for showing us the walls don’t make us subhuman , it’s real and I hope it really does get better for you and everyone with a wall
Thank you so much for your vulnerability, Jessica. I really deeply relate to the feelings you communicated, as I have also lost my mother and felt like I had to grow up really fast. That anger also surfaces for me, maybe not even enough. I've been having a really hard time this year, and I have my fair share of walls of awful around me that feel like they are boxing me in. Your vulnerability in sharing yours and Brendan's comments about struggling vs. suffering are exactly what I needed right now while I'm trying to get myself out of this hole. Thank you so much for this, really.
16:28 oh prioritising is so hard 😭😭
“Today’s workout is tomorrow’s warm-up” i love that! I share the same struggle when it comes to my mom. She was the same way as Brendan where she body doubled, she helped me get the ball rolling by finding a starting point, she offered perspective and support. When I lost her, it’s like I lost the structure in my world, especially in terms of my ADHD as this was prior to my diagnosis. I lost her 7 years ago and I can see us in this very video. Thank you Jessica and Brendan. ❤
Wow you’re so strong to be so vulnerable and real about this. Thank you!
Thank you for being so candid, Jessica, about your struggles. It is so validating for those of us trying to conquer our own situations.
Are you at the Target in a shopping mall that can be abbreviated as Ww V and is across from a park that can be abbreviated as Rh Park? I'm not trying to doxx you. I just recognize the location and figure that if it's the same location I'm thinking of, then you'd recognize my abbreviations. My childhood home was near there.
lol "…specifically car maintenance…onmydeadmom'scar" cut to intro
The idea that is isn't failing if you need to get help is more revolutionary to me than it should be… thank you for making this. ❤
Merch opportunity! – I just read Jessica's foreword to Brendan's book and I found myself wanting an "I climbed my wall of awful" t-shirt, but I couldn't find one anywhere. Any chance you'll add this to the line of merch?
My apartment is such a mess. Trying to 5S it without knowing HOW to best store everything. And my car is disgusting. And I'm soooo tired outside of work that I can't move. Every week off i make some progress but not enough. Then I am back at work and the piles grow back.