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“How are you?”
“I’m fine.”
You weren’t. Here’s the answer instead, in three parts:
“I’m anxious — and I’m learning how to name that and deal with it. So thank you for asking.”
THE STATE. THE WORK. THE THANKS.
THE FOUR LIES
Say “I’m fine” when you’re not and you’re not telling one lie. You’re telling four, to four different addresses.
1. To them — “Don’t look at me.” They opened a door; you closed it politely in their face.
2. To the truth — “I don’t have to be honest here.” You don’t get to lie about the little things and tell the truth about the big ones. Same muscle.
3. To yourself — “My state doesn’t matter enough to mention.” A vote you cast thirty times a week, and it wins every time.
4. And this is the one — “Stop monitoring me. I don’t need checking on.”
Because “how are you?” isn’t small talk. It’s a check-in — something just took your temperature and said: you matter, somebody is monitoring it. “I’m fine” hands that back unopened.
And remember who hears all four. You do. There’s only one conversation happening here — the one you’re having with yourself. Everybody else is just the room you’re saying it in.
THE THREE-PART ANSWER
One specific word. What you’re doing about it. Thank them.
“I’m sad, and I’m learning to balance the sadness with gratitude. And I’m grateful to you for asking.”
“I’m frustrated about that meeting, and I’m working out how to raise it properly. Thanks for asking.”
And the one people need most:
“I’m annoyed about something, and I don’t want to get into it right now — but I didn’t want to say I was fine.”
You’re allowed to be honest AND decline the conversation. Everybody thinks it’s “I’m fine” or forty-five minutes on the couch. There’s a third door.
YOU DIDN’T HIDE IT. YOU TRANSMITTED IT.
You think it protects them. But push a feeling down and hold your face still, and the feeling doesn’t go down — your own physiological arousal goes up. And when one person is suppressing, the other person’s blood pressure rises too. You gave them no face and no words, and their body responded anyway.
You didn’t hide it. You transmitted it with the label peeled off. They got all the tension and none of the information. “I’m fine” doesn’t spare anybody. It makes them guess.
WORK WORDS AND HOME WORDS
The more precise your word, the better you handle the feeling — and “fine” is the lowest-resolution word we own.
AT WORK, use words for the situation: frustrated, anxious, confused, stretched, behind, annoyed. They point at a problem, not a person.
AT HOME, use words for you: hurt, sad, lonely, disappointed, scared, tired. Those let somebody reach you.
Say “I’m frustrated” to someone who loves you and you’ve served them the corporate version of yourself at your own kitchen table. Same honesty, different register — that’s knowing what room you’re standing in.
THEY’RE NOT IGNORING YOU. THEY’RE BELIEVING YOU.
You told them you were fine. Every time. For years. And they did what decent people do with information — they accepted it. Then you sat there feeling unseen and got quietly bitter about it.
But you built that. You trained everyone in your life on a version of you that doesn’t exist, then resented them for learning it. They weren’t failing to see you — you handed them a decoy and they were being polite to it. That’s why a house can feel lonely with people in it.
ACT YOURSELF INTO IT
“I’d answer honestly, I’m just not that confident.” Backwards. You don’t think your way into a new way of acting — you act your way into a new way of thinking. Confidence isn’t the permission. It’s the residue.
And if the true answer is bigger than a sentence, and has been for a while, that isn’t a communication problem and a script won’t fix it. Tell one person the real thing and let them help you get to somebody who does this for a living.
“I’m ___, and I’m ___. Thank you for asking.”
THE FREE APP — basically me, in your pocket, and your practice partner. The hard part isn’t understanding this; it’s having a word ready in half a second.
→ dan@danoconnortraining.com (subject: APP)
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THE COURSE — NEVER DEFEND AGAIN
→ danoconnortraining.com/never-defend-again
CHAPTERS (provisional)
00:00 The Three-Part Answer
01:40 The Four Lies
02:50 The State, The Work, The Thanks
05:10 Work Words vs. Home Words
06:45 They’re Not Ignoring You
09:00 All Three
HOW ARE YOU? Answer it below, honestly, in three parts
WATCH NEXT
Never Defend Yourself Again →
Subscribe → youtube.com/@TheWizardOfWords
I’m Dan O’Connor — communication trainer, author of “Say This, Not That.” Somebody is going to ask you today. Don’t waste it.
There is nothing you have to say that you can’t say in a more loving way.
#CommunicationSkills #SelfRespect #EmotionalIntelligence
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I went through a string of big traumas and had trouble with this question. I would say: "Yes! And how are you?!" Most people wouldn't notice I didn't answer correctly. 😆😂 But it got me past the question. For people who genuinely wanted to know I'd say "trying to cope. Thanks for asking." Or "It's hard but I'm still here." But my first response worked well for things like the grocery store where people are just trying to be customer friendly.
Thanks for addressing this issue!
P.S. I'm in Australia. 🇦🇺 ❤
Was this script written by AI?
I wish I had this powerful technique earlier.
"Most people have no idea that option is even available." – I was one of them 😅Well, thanks to your video, I have it now
Thanks a lot for sharing your wisdom with us!!!😅
Brilliant, absolutely brilliant ❤
What if we stopped empty communication all together… It's draining AF.
So good thank you 🙏🏻
Someone used to say fupped insecure , narottic and, emotional thats what fine meant so I hope you got that , thanks🫶✨️🤎
I think it depends on who is asking. I know if it is a purely social situation it s just considered a social amenity. In Britain you are supposed to say How are you? back even if you are about to slide to the sidewalk and die. LOL If it is a close friend or family member who really has concern for your welfare , different story.
I hate "how are you?", because no one actually cares to even register your answer. "I'm surviving, and trying my best to get through each day" has been my default answer to that horrid question for the last 3 years!
No one gives a shit! Not family, not coworkers, not acquaintances, not the cashier at the grocery store.
But, I never say thank you for asking, so I will add that from now on, and collect more data to see if anything changes.
What if I don't want everyone to know what I'm dealing with?
Reading many of these comments, I think it's important to remember these responses are only for someone checking in. To everyone else, "how's it going?" or "how ya doin'?" is just a rhetorical question meant to be polite. If you can't answer with a polite, "fine" remember you also don't have to say anything at all. Ignore the question – treat it as rhetorical and move on to the matters at hand or just greet them as warmly as you can. Acquaintances, uber drivers, servers, etc use the phrase as a social lubricant and it's extremely off-putting when you fail to treat it as such.
Sounds great, but unfortunately I had to work with gossipers so giving them one ounce of truth about my life was not a good option. I had to learn to say, “ Good Day Karen! Hope all is well”, and get back to work.
Boy, this one is a zinger. I'm new to your work. Each has been fast, information dense, and on-point. I could take one or two of these and do focused work for weeks. lol
I am worried about my autistic son and how his life will be but I'm trying to trust the support we have will help us to navigate the problems ahead thanks for asking.
h❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️h full speed ahead
I say, “I’m keeping my chin above water! How are you?” Friends get the fuller answer. But I’m on the spectrum so literal honesty is my default.
I’m feeling anxious and grief because I lost my job while I was on maternity leave and was reassigned to a lesser position. I’m using videos like this to build tools to support myself through this time. Thanks everyone.
I'm sleep deprived, but I've started taking magnesium compounds to see if they help me like they help a number of people in my life. Thank you for asking.
Honestly for years I've said things like not great or really bad actually and I get oh good or me too from people regardless. At least 70 (85 might be more accurate) percent of people don't notice you didn't give the expected response at all. People aren't listening for the answer the vast majority of the time. Letting that go and saying something off the wall makes me laugh. I stopped caring at all what I say for so long now that if someone actually is surprised and asks what I know I've got someone who might actually care about anything I'm saying after that. My recent favorite is you've looked outside, right? That keeps my feelings in my own realm while not making anyone uncomfortable acknowledging it's hard for a lot of folks right now.
I feel confused, but I’m sitting with my intuition and trying to also be logical about my decisions to be sure I’m choosing the best route, thanks for checking in.
I had a mentor that had a pretty wicked sense of humor. He'd respond to the question with "I'm fine, but I got over it." Or "I'm fine. I'm much better now.". He'd flip it to "I'm fine. The therapy is working great!"
He'd use it when he wanted a way to engage people into a conversation quickly, bypassing small talk or just getting rid of them.
Say this instead…..
Stupid Clickbait
What about when you get the “filler” how are you? Or someone says it but they hardly stop to wait for your answer? Sometimes people just wanted you to know they’d seen you. It’s common for this to happen. Many people really don’t want you to answer properly, you’ve got to choose who you do this with.
No, just say I'm doing better than I deserve.
Hehe, ask in Poland "how are you?". They will tell you the truth in your face, without small talk bullshit. 😂😂😂. If day is crappy, you are going to hear it.
Beautiful way to be authentic, I love the idea of naming it and then facing it together openly. That’s love and care, to not look away from the “negative” but to sit with it for just a moment and allow a multilayered understanding to unfold between two souls
I’m overwhelmed by work and I talked over my concerns with a trusted colleague. I reached some much needed clarity. Thanks for asking!
if someone asks me how I am as a greeting I will treat it as a greeting and say fine. If someone in conversation clearly is concerned about me and asks me how I am and I am not fine I know what to say but it's going to be completely different and it's going to depend on context.
Thank you for asking.
I’ve been sick for a week and anxious about getting this month’s work underway. I’m listening to my body though, and have rescheduled everything to give myself time to rest and recover. Thank you for asking.
I’m feeling sick but I’m trying to rest so that I can start feeling better. Thanks for asking.
I’m feeling apathetic & indifferent about, well, almost everything & everyone, & I’m trying to find the part of me that isn’t numb. Thank you for asking.
I am worn out from being in an abusive marriage for 11 years, but I have 6 days off starting Friday and I plan on burning this life to the ground and building a new one in those 6 days. I am so thankful for you and your videos. Thank you for caring and asking!
I'm confused, as a high-masking autistic person, I learnt the hard way "How are you?" actually means "Hello" with a scripted answer and is not a real question. Thanks for asking
Thank you Dan ❤
I am sad because I had a disagreement with a friend.
I am giving us time though and intend on doing repair work.
Thanks for asking.
I’m anxious because I’m experiencing some health symptoms that concern me but I’m addressing them and feel confidant I can handle it. Thank you so much for asking.